||definitely ain't chipper
Every day in our lives, we livin' lies. Wearin' masks. Bein' who we ain't, just a little, so we can get by. Most days, ain't that bad. Small price to pay to keep the company you want, front to the company you don't.
Trick is you gotta know it's a mask. You pretend you are what you show, and then problems start comin' up. Becomes a faith, religion. Something you hold onto when it's dark to make the world cough some sense up. You clingin' to a flimsy piece of nothin', and the prices you pay to keep holdin' on ain't worth it.
Might think I'm talkin' about the lawyer thing, or my time in suburbia... And I am. But it's got me thinkin' that I always tryin' to be somethin' I'm not, and it's always cost me my closest.
You don't see yourself makin' the same mistakes again until you pay the same way. You get your heart ripped out every night. Alanna was first. I got the mask of righteous fury in me, and they made me breathe her dust for it. But no problem - just add a twist of near-suicidal to all of it, and you got yourself a new mask. Worked okay till I watched some girl named Cordelia Chase risk her ass to save one I didn't see was worth the effort - my own. Things started to change there. Lost some of the mask, kept it real.
'course, W&H was watchin'. They always watchin'. And they saw. They saw the mask come off and said, my oh my - this boy's ready for a new one. And they hand it over. They prop my brain open with the jargon, the laws, the secret handshake to the Skull & Bones or whatever that secret whiteboy organization is at Yale, and I become the biggest hotshot to work for evil since Al Pacino (like in Scarface, not the Keanu movie). That mask was the easiest to wear, because it wasn't in my blood. It was in my brain, where they never gave me what was my due.
And then I lost Fred. I gave her up. Because the mask was so damn comfortable, and I stopped knowin' how to live any other way.
So I got shown. I got shown what the mask was. The Senior Partners' holdin' cell became the livin' proof of my mask. For all the comforts of wearin' it, I had to crack open my chest and dump out the contents every day.
Guess I'm back now. Ain't frontin' no more. Ditched the Armani for my old threads - ain't exactly lawyerly, but you do what you gotta to keep it real. And the real's all I got now.
But, uh, Wes, you sure you gonna be okay? I ain't seen you that jumpy since - Hell, I ain't seen anybody that jumpy since we first met . . . Fred. Damn.